"Every day seems to bring news about another 'patent portfolio management firm' demanding their payola," lamented one reader. "Most of the time, the patent the company acquired is for an 'invention' that existed decades before it was granted, and the 'inventor' had nothing to do with bringing it to market. The patent system was meant to encourage innovation -- instead, it now has the very opposite effect."

"Patenting an obvious idea is only the first step," noted another reader. "Next, you have to publicize your patent as little as possible, wait for everyone else to start using it, and once it's firmly entrenched and would be a major burden to remove, then you step in waving your patent and demanding royalties. Now I know what you're thinking, but you're entirely wrong. This is called ‘protecting your intellectual property.’ We don't use the word ‘extortion’ around here."

But some readers were inspired to consider what old ideas they might want to patent themselves. "I intend to patent all vowels expressed in English. You may continue your column either in a language other than English, or in English without the use of vowels. An inexpensive vowel license can be purchased in advance of my patent and copyrights, by sending an agreed upon amount in small denominations of American currency. Gold bullion is also acceptable."

He had better hurry, though, because only a few minutes later another reader e-mailed that "I am currently trying to copyright and patent the English language and alphabet. Think how rich I will be! But wait! Wouldn't I be richer if I could get a patent on ‘visual technology for conveying the language’ -- that is, all alphabets, hieroglyphic and symbol systems, etc. Wow! I've got some forms to fill out!"