What an idiot I am. For months I've been trying to figure out how to make a living from my weblog, and the answer is patently obvious. All I have to do is patent it.

What finally made me see the light was a wave of news stories over the last few weeks about various uses and abuses of the patent system. The $440 million settlement Microsoft agreed to pay InterTrust for its DRM patents is certainly inspiration for would-be patent holders, particularly considering Sony and Philips bought InterTrust for not much more than that a little over a year ago. European Union bureaucrats appear to be working hard to undermine EU laws against software patents, providing a ray of hope for all those poor and downtrodden European patent attorneys. And our own National Academy of Sciences released a report on Monday that, while detailing just how badly the American patent system is broken, nonetheless concluded that it does not require a major overhaul.

So let's face it -- patenting software is where the money is. The business model of the 21st Century is not about creating new and innovative technology; it's about creating new and innovative patents to cover old ideas. So that's the business I need to be in, which is why I have to start getting some patents on the GripeLog.

OK, I think I hear a few objections out there. "Come on, Ed," you're saying politely. "The GripeLog is nice enough, but it's hardly full of inventive technology. As a matter of fact, it looks an awful like a lot of other websites that use the same free software tools that you do. How can you claim to have patent rights over other people's ideas? Besides, you've already got a copyright on it -- that's the only form of intellectual property protection a website needs."

Ah, but that's where you don't understand the modern American patent system. Not only can you both copyright and patent the same software, but you can now take out "business method" or e-commerce patents that can cover virtually any feature or function on your website. And it doesn't really matter that it's an idea many had before you. The best known example is probably the "one-click shopping" patent that Amazon used to sue Barnes & Nobel, but there are whole companies dedicated to accumulating and enforcing dubious e-commerce patents. Many of them focus their collection efforts on small businesses rather than tangling with corporations that might have bigger, stronger patent attorneys. (See www.chillingeffects.org/ecom for some examples.)

Lacking a staff of patent attorneys myself, isn't too late for me to get into the game? Maybe not. The great thing about patenting software and e-commerce business methods is that it's really a word game, and that plays to my strengths. For example, my first patent I file could be on "Triple-leveled, Multi-pronged Fund Collection Mechanism with Optional Time-Delay." With a few complicated diagrams and some obfuscating jargon that I make up (see, I really will be inventing something), I'll have a patent on my donations page. Or, at least as I will interpret it, a patent on the very idea of a donations page.

Of course, this means I'm going to have to take down my actual donations page. When going after a patent like this, it's an awful handicap to have a real implementation of your invention that people can see. Even the most obtuse patent examiner is likely to realize how obvious and unoriginal your idea is if you give them a concrete example. But, hey, the donations have served their purpose in helping me get the GripeLog, and thank all of you for your contributions. But now it's time to make some real money.

There are a few problems with my patent scheme, though, such as some news items from last week I forgot to mention. One involved an organization called the Public Patent Foundation that just filed a request with the U.S. Patent Office to revoke Microsoft's FAT file system patents. And then there's the Electronic Frontier Foundation,, which just announced its "Patent Busting Project" to identify the worst patents and seek to have them revoked.

What a bunch of fun killers. I'll tell you this - anybody who wants to donate to these patent-busting efforts better do so real quick. Once my patent on donation pages is granted, they're all in big trouble.